Adelle Shayna's first Yahrtzeit is tonight/tomorrow. I'm not going to say I'm dealing with it well or poorly, I have learned over the past year that there is no quality to the behaviors of grief...but I will tell you I'm dealing with it with the help of ice cream, fun size candy bars, and cookies. I've also found myself on the verge of tears at the grocery store and sleeping poorly, being woken by bad dreams. On the flipside, I've been desperately creative. I just finished the scrapbook on which I was working and now I am starving for another project. I kind of want to take up beading, but to what end, I'm not sure. How much stuff can I sew beads on?
I have not been re-granted the rush of chemicals that carried me through the weeks after her death and was responsible for my optimism and the creation of The Shiny Project. I don't feel inspired to do our publish something intense and moving in honor of her Yahrtzeit...I just want to survive the day. I feel like the best I can manage is a twitter campaign. I am really grateful for the amount of support we've seen from our community to help us get through this day and I can't imagine managing without it.
I'm not working tonight, tomorrow Hubby and I are going to Adelle Shayna's Kever for the first time. I just keep thinking, "A year? How could it have been a whole year?" And I'm sad and angry that we're getting so far away from the time we had with her and I just want to look Moshiach in the face and say, "Nu???" I'm just so tired of the bitter dissatisfaction of being a bereaved mother. And now that I'm waaay pregnant and have this KA'H delicious little boy who just wants to be friends with the whole world, I find myself on the bus telling strangers that, no, this is my third child because as uncomfortable as it is to tell a stranger that my daughter died, I refuse to make believe for even a moment that she didn't exist.My feelings have changed since last year. I am now angry and bitter and that's totally OK. My fervent desire remains the same, though. I simply want Moshiach to come and end this suffering. And angry as I may be, I believe he will.